Should I Detach from an Abusive Father?
“In matters of truth and justice, there is no difference between large and small problems, for issues concerning the treatment of people are
all the same.” – Albert Einstein
Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
As you’ve discovered, loving and forgiving someone doesn’t protect us from who they are, how they behave, and any danger they pose to us. You have a right to protect yourself from physical, verbal, and mental abuse — no matter how the abuser is related to you. People employ different strategies in your situation. One strategy is to detach from your father and his abusive behavior, recognizing that he is still a danger to your self-esteem and that he is more invested in protecting his pride than his children’s emotional health.
Another strategy might be keeping him at a safe distance. It’s like having a pet tiger — we love it but we still keep it in a cage around the house. We respect it’s ability to harm us and those around us. A safe distance is accomplished by visiting Dad only in teams or in family events, have no personal conversations with him — everything is casual, end all discussions and leave when his abusive comments surface, and make your position known to the famliy that you will no longer tolerate his behavior.
Another option is to recognize that your father has an abusive personality — always has…always will. It’s not related to you or your sister, it’s related to his personality. Individuals like your father are often antisocial or narcissistic personality disorders who:
- never accept personal responsibility for their behavior,
- have an incredible sense of entitlement and demand for respect…though not worthy of it, and
- are nearly totally selfish in their relationships with those around them.
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If your self-esteem and self-confidence are high enough, you can take this approach, much like employees who work in a prison recognize that the inmates are abusive…but they don’t pay attention to it. If your self-esteem is not quite there yet, don’t use this option as your father will emotionally batter you if you can’t remain detached and recognize that he’s a chronic abuser.
I’d recommend using whatever approach feels best for you. Keep in mind that others will have their own opinion. Many people have wonderful advice on situations that aren’t related to them…it’s how they think they would handle it. In truth, you are doing what normal, healthy folks do…recognizing that your father is abusive, that he poses a danger to your emotional health, and that you need to develop a strategy to deal with the situation. You’re on the right track.
