When I read these answers from other women, I was looking at something deeply familiar and scary to me…
Abusive men always think there is a motive behind a womans actions and her words. They see her as only trying to maniupulate. They never see goodness in them. They distrust and are irriated by them.. They might feel they love these women but they don’t like them. The most important thing in any realtionship is to be liked and respected. Even when the women are in a good mood it irritates them. They want to show her up, put her down. make her feel inferior in evrything. Then when they have her upset it makes them angry that she’s weak. Yet the object is to tear her down. It’s a double edged sword: a no win situation. The woman spends years trying to prove she’s not bad. But it’s futile. He either knows it and doesn’t care or doesn’t and she’ll never prove it anyway.
They train women to ‘think’ for them, making them submissive and without any identity. She is expected to anticipate his every desire or expectation and to make his existence the focus of her life. They are treated as sex slaves, (taking away her femininity), only to leave her feeling besmirched and ridiculed. The motive behind all this,is to make him feel powerful. He lacks the integrity and dignity to be a real man.
Men who have a abusive nature are wanting power and control, they cannot control other men, or non-submissive women, so they prey on those who seem like they are submissive, those are vulnerable, those with low self esteem, or in my experience, lower their self-esteem with words, degrading them and truly making them feel like are doing something. “It must be me” They also show tremendous love, especially when they feel they are losing that control.
I was married for 33 years to a man who emotionally abused me. He was not physically abusive though he came close in his aggressive and frightening rages. He never saw things from my or anyone else’s perspective, never apologized, never allowed me to air a grievance, saw every criticism as an attack on him. Every time I thought of leaving him, something was happening in his life which made me feel terribly sorry for him and I couldn’t bring myself to go. He alienated everyone he met and thus ruined every budding relationship both personal and professional. Finally when he forbade me from visiting my family (who lived in another country) I walked away
Abusive men are looking for a way “out” of some situation they’ve most likely created in their head. They attack their wives/girlfriends and use this attack to channel their rage and feel like they can controll their emotions and their surrounding. Men are not the only ones capable of this conscienceness. When wives/girlfriends feel their at a less than desirable position in a relationship; they attack to gain what seems an advantage in their surroundings. This advantage seems to be the only reasonable way to controll their surroundings.
First these men study, observe from a distance (This may take one day or this may take a week or even a year) and then they pounce on their prey which is YOU. Next, they become a mirror reflection of YOU. (This is the con part) You believe you have found the perfect person. If he is sly, he will never slip up during this time. If during this dating period, you have gut feelings and thoughts, PLEASE FOLLOW YOUR INNER FEELINGS. THEY ARE RIGHT AND ALWAYS CORRECT. The relationship is perfect until you marry him. Small things begin to happen, ie, He criticizes your children, maybe kicks them out at some point,he picks on your animals, he yells at you for nothing, he starts picking on your wifely duties, you use too much electricity, you didn’t fix my dinner (after you worked a 14 hour day), tells you you are not the same, picks on you incessantly, tells you are not keeping the house clean enough, picks fights with you, tells you that he is the man of the house and you will do what HE says in his house, tells you to get out and that he is going to file divorce papers, he drinks excessively, passes out, flicks ashes around the house, watches pornography on the television, video, the computer and tells you that you are a prude, blames you for his outbursts, blames you for making him mad, charms his family members, his friends or buddies, and his workers, bosses, and co workers and treats them like gold, but watch out behind closed doors. Steadily, this man becomes more enraged, demanding, hurtful, abusive physically and mentally…he is totally unpredicatable…it does get worse and worse…it is very scary for YOU. The last act may indeed become violent and unsafe and may become your last breath. By this I mean a gun, knife, whatever. These men who are so angry will do anything at any cost to get their control back of you. Get out and do not tell him that you are going to leave him, this will enrage him more. You must have a plan.
was in an abusive relationship for a little over a year and this man knew how to manipulate every situation we were involved in. Believe me when I say always go with your gut instincts. He never wanted my family around even my four year old son. He would hold grudges against my family members for silly reasons and would make me choose between him and them. He started off calling me names, then it went on to pushing, slapping, spitting, throwing me out of cars, screaming at me when I would try to explain how I felt. It never got any better. He wanted to know that he was the “MAN”. I was always accused of cheating, not being there for him, and not being a woman. This was a man who I allowed to treat me like sh-t because I thought I loved him.
By confusing them and controlling them. One minute they absolutely love you – you are the greatest thing walking the planet (difficult to live up to) and then, after a period when you think the sun is shining and you feel confident, they find a way to make a black cloud appear. It’s very difficult for women living with what I would call ‘subtle’ abusers to judge when the next episode will be, but often it seems that the attack comes just when you least expect it – when everything is all right. And the problems will arise from something so seemingly inoffensive that the ‘victim’ is made to be very confused about what exactly she has done ‘wrong.’ The effect of this slow drip treatment is that you end up afraid to feel happy because that seems to trigger (very probably subconsciously) the desire in the abusive person to make the reverse the case. In my experience every ‘episode’ leaves the victim feeling less and less capable. The abuser, seeing the deterioration of the person he ‘loves’, may then be overly concerned about her health and about the terrible state she is in. But is this all just words, making the right noises? Promises of it not happening again eventually mean nothing because the victim knows damn well it will happen again – it always does – it is cyclic. The abuser is unwilling to seek professional help or guidance while, very often, as a desperate measure, the victim is likely to do this in an attempt to heal and perhaps find ways of dealing with the abuser. Very often, she does actually love them, but the love can fade after a while and is then replaced with a feeling of sympathy for the abuser (Bizarre, but then she is submissive – everything is her fault – she is sensitive – you couldn’t so succesfully emotionally batter an tougher person.) It is all very confusing. Confusing. That word describes so much.
Letting an abuser into your heart, mind and life is like opening the door to the devil. I am very honest when I say these types have nothing but a mission to destroy you and are bad to the core. I was married to an abuser. We have been divorced just over a year. When we met it was bliss. We thought the world of each other. We had the romance, the fun and laughter. It was a whirlwind. Little did I know he was only trying to get ownership of me quickly. We married a year later. Then the little comments started. I wasnt good at this or that. Then came the yelling. It was a gradual process of dehumanization and degradation. Then came the pushes and slaps. Then the financial abuse. I went hungry. It was hell. He would stop at nothing to ruin me. Anything good about me was not loved, it was a threat to him and he set out to ruin me. I left him. I didnt care for him as much. The pain to stay was worse than to leave, so I kicked him out. I am glad now. It was the best thing I ever did.
I have been in an abusive relationship with my husband for almost three years and we are separated now. I am not normally the submissive type of woman but since I loved my husband greatly, I tried to submit to his abusive ways out of fear and feelings of helplessness. I submitted to his manipulative, decietful, controlling,and neglectful ways but it really back-fired in the end. He used my submissiveness to only control and abuse me more. He continued to lie to me, abandon me, and neglect me. His behaviors got worse over time to the point that all my trust in him was completely eroded. I finally left him because of the breakdown of trust. I wish that I had asserted myself more in the past and had not submitted to his abusive ways – it may have given our marriage a chance to change and get better. Now, he says he wants to change but it’s too late for me to give him another chance because all trust is gone. It would be too great a risk for me to get back together with him after all that he has done.
Recently, I broke up with my boyfriend who was abusive. He was extremely jealous when I’m with my friends, and keeps tracking from time to time. It was very hard to please him, he keeps on saying negative comments to me, such I’m not pretty blablabla….
Most of the time we argue, because I found him so mysterious going to places which he was not used to go. He don’t have fix working time, he always says he is at work even at late nights.
Just a few days ago, I confronted him about it, it came about that when I try to reason out, the ending was it was all my fault. I hope to find someone who will be good and nice to me.
I totally know how you feel I have been in that same situation for going on two years now and the more I try to be good and say the right things and be the good girlfriend. He just seems to do more stuff to hurt me. He has gotten home later and later at night and he has odd work hours. He is chatting online each nite till the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes I think the only reason he comes home from work is for the kids at least he does that. I cant say Im perfect either I can be crabby and I go thru depression, but that doesn’t justify him being abusive to me and raging at me if I even try to have an opinion. We are supposed to get married in June but he has changed so much. He says he loves me and at times I truly believe him, he hasn’t hit me yet and thats cuz I walk on eggshells constantly. He tries to pic fights but I go to another room. I wish he loved me like he should. I know he thinks its my fault and he stays out late to punish me. Sometimes he even laughs in his sleep. I assume because he thinks its funny that hes railroading me and getting by with it. I am to blame for everything and he always says Im selfish and wrong and illogical. I totally feel for those of you who are going thru this. Just Pray! Thats what I do.
Thank you for posting this. I’ve been with an abusive man for 21 years. Seven years ago, he said he wanted to divorce me. We started to sleep apart. He started stalking me and ended up losing his job a short time later for stalking me during working hours.
It took him a little over five years to find a job. That was the point I planned to divorce him. Last year, he took our savings and threw it in his 401K saying that he did that so I couldn’t leave. I had to wait until getting this year’s tax refund to see a lawyer.
Luckily, I found a sympathetic well-known lawyer who said he would handle the divorce for $1,000. I meet with him on Wednesday. My spouse has been so nice today that I nearly cancelled the appointment but reading through your article reminded me of what I’ve been through over the past two decades. If I think of staying, I’ll re-read this page.
Thank you.
To all the women on this page that have been the victims of abusive partners, my heart goes out to you and the horrendous lives you must have been living; what strength to be able to face that every day. You know what takes more strength though? Leaving.
It’s the leaving I want to address. Women, you must protect yourselves from these men when making the decision to leave. Make sure you have a plan for where you are going to stay and who you are staying with. Make sure you can get your children into a school (if it requires moving a distance away), the least disruption to the children’s lives the better, but don’t let it stop you leaving. Put some money away each week (amounts he won’t notice), until you have enough to give you a start in your new life, sell things if you need to (what price can you put on your freedom?). Don’t tell the man you are leaving him, just pack what is important to you and your children (get a friend to help you if necessary to speed up the process). Wait for your partner to go to work one day; pack up the car and get out of there!
If it helps, seek legal advice before you do this, and perhaps obtain an ‘apprehended violence order’ from the police. Most importantly? Stay with someone you trust and DON’T TELL HIM WHERE YOU’RE GOING. Also, don’t tell anyone you don’t trust where you’re going (especially friends and family members of your partner); be absolutely sure you can trust them to keep their mouths shut (even if it’s your own family it doesn’t necessarily mean you can trust them to not tell your partner where you are), some people have some very outdated ideas about marriage and relationships and may just help him find you.
Abusers always have the potential to be very dangerous and even deadly. Also, men who can manipulate you into marrying them can easily manipulate people to tell them where you are; this is ultimately what you want to avoid.
If you must make contact with your partner (ie. to hand over divorce papers), make sure it’s in a busy, public place (even outside a police station, or inside a police station where they can escort you to your car when it is over), and that you have one or more people with you (preferably men); do not meet them alone and do no meet them in a secluded location (although he will try to manipulate you to do this…resist as your life could be in danger). Do not take the children with you to see daddy, keep them safe away from him.
Abusive men will also target your children in an attempt to get you to submit, so make damn sure he can’t get access to them (don’t tell anyone you don’t trust what school the children are going to and where they hang out).
You must take very calculated steps to ensure this person can’t find you, because he will stalk you, and he will do anything to frighten you into returning or to get to you emotionally (ie. by attacking or even killing your children).
Don’t worry about alienating people in the process; they will get over it, and if they don’t love you enough to understand what you had to do? They are not real friends and don’t really care about your wellbeing, or the wellbeing of your children.
Always remember that he doesn’t love you! Abusive men don’t know what love is, they understand entitlement and they know how to manipulate you into giving them what they want; and if you go back to him? He will make you pay for what you did; the violence will escalate because A) he wants to punish you and B) he wants to frighten you into never trying to leave him again.
The very best of luck to anyone in this situation and please stay strong; if not for yourself, then for your children. You deserve better! You are wonderful! Don’t let him destroy you 🙂 xxx ooo
My mother lived with my abusive father for 57 years he punched her as he had been a boxer, he threw hot tea down her neck, he broke her jaw.
Now I have a sister in law living with a man who keeps her financially strapped to the point where she has to sell things to buy food. He also has half his teeth missing, wears clothes that are falling off him, he has not worked for many years he lived off her disability pension until he got his pension. now she has nothing so he won’t let her buy meat, and makes her use a wood fired stove if she uses power he goes biserk. he makes her pay for her own petrol by selling pinecones from the farm they inherited. he won’t sell the farm and gives all the relatives hell if they visit. He also won’t let her have xmas at their place without his permission. he mouth on to me and runs down my family which he hardly knows as we didn’t have anything to do with them for 30 years.. We opened a pandoras box going to a funeral where they were. he has no control over his temper and tells his wife she has let herself go when he has long hair half his teeth gone which he has pulled out himself. He doesn’t see any reason for her to have nice glasses.. she pays them off. she lives week to week not knowing how she will cope. calls her teletubby and she is the exact weight for her height.. she won’t leave him as if she does the farm is worth half a million dollars now.. he told her if she leaves him and gets her half share of the farm he will shoot her.. Her life is a misery I have tried to get her to leave but she won’t. he has her under his thumb and abuses her to the point she has moved into spare room now.. Her self esteem is in the gutter after years of this.. He didn’t even have to go and find a wife she came to him via a friend. he has never left home and controls with money , family and drives everyone away. My mother got the last laugh and died 9 days before my father.. he went crazy when mum was no longer alive to verbally and physically abuse.. My fathers catholic upbringing made him crazy. he was an alcoholic as well.. it has affected my sister and I where we have low self esteem as well.. My advice is to get out of a marriage like this it never changes..
I agree, it doesn’t change.
I’ve known a few Catholics that didn’t behave this way, this is behavior that isn’t restricted , it’s widespread over religions, backgrounds…
I hope you never fall into a the circle of being a victim and that you get help and take all the precautions to avoid this happening to you. Your best gift to your mom ever.
Just experience the most abusive relationship of my life! Mentally, verbally, financially and physically. His words to me will stay with me for the rest of my life, I don’t doubt that. He moved onto a 21 year girl while still living with me. That someone you cared about wished and wants you dead it shocking to say the least.
He seems perfectly happy with his new “love” today. I wonder if she will experience what I did.
My husband has very low self esteem. He belittles me because he knows it makes him feel good. He feels “entitled” to make feel sad and hurt. He hangs with low life’s so he can feel better about himself. He makes my nine year old cry. He wants to do drugs but is on parole. What mothers raised these awful people. Anyway, he is gone now signora.
I’m married to a conservative Catholic like this. He calls me a prostitute and thinks I remind him of Kim Kardashian, whom he shames, because he knows I’m a beautiful person in which he wanted me to cut my hair, wear no makeup, no jewelry, and not dress fashionable because it makes him feel insecure. And everytime I talk to anyone whose beliefs are different from his, he always accuses me of cheating with them and thinks they are bad, no matter what. Being multilingual and knowing eight languages makes him paranoid as well since he thinks that I would cheat on him with men from other countries who are desperate for a green card or passport to America since they can’t find any women in their country. He also goes through my phone and computer to check out my history and see if I’m looking at men in porn. I can’t be assertive and expressive of my emotions or else he would call me a sefish, narcissistic b***h. He thinks women are supposed to be silent and unemotional. He even compares me to good girls who are happily married like my cousins for example and how I should behave like them rather than myself. In other words, I have to make people happy and secure like they do because I’m female. He is like every conservative Catholic male my parents set me up with. Expecting silence, passivity, and mediocrity while they do all the hard work.