Emotional Abusers

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and  over again and expecting
different results.”
– Albert  Einstein
…and now for something rather serious to me:

Emotional abuse is something that can make its victims feel as if they are going crazy. If you feel you are living with an emotional abuser, you are not alone and you could really learn some confidence in what your ‘gut’ is telling you by reading the following:

Emotional abusers are very insidious – some of them are much harder to spot  than others, because they mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity, and  often employ emotionally manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive behavior.  Not all emotional abusers overtly belittle and verbally harangue their partners  – some are much more perfidious and as such, their partners may not realize that  the source of their distress and an unease over the relationship has been coming  from abuse for quite some time. The longer a woman remains
under the grip of an  emotional abuser, the more she will start to question herself, her actions and  her beliefs. It is the abuser’s goal to make her believe that she deserves his  cruelty and that only through her actions can she make it stop.  It is his  intent to get her to feel that she is the cause of any relationship problems,  and that his (abusive) behavior is simply a response to her, and therefore  acceptable. It is true, that only through her actions can she make it stop – she  must have the courage to leave the relationship and
avoid further contact with  the abuser.

Abusers, physical or emotional, are abusive because of their own self-hate and internal issues – not because of anything their partner did. No amount of work or attempting to please will stop an abuser from abusing. They have to be willing to recognize and actually work on their own issues before they can stop  inflicting cruelty on the people who love them. In many cases, they don’t even  love their partners, because they can’t even love themselves, and don’t feel  that they deserve love, even though they crave it. Abusers may genuinely feel  bad that they committed another act of abuse, not because they have any real  compassion for the person they hurt, but because they get angry at themselves  for “screwing up” again. This drives them further into self-loathing, and  further into a cycle of abusive behavior.

It is common for men who are “called” on their abusive behavior to blame  the woman, and claim SHE was the abuser. He may even point to his abusive childhood as proof that he is just an innocent victim. The truth of the matter is that abusers generally DO have a history of abuse stemming from their childhood, with emotionally abusive and/or physically abusive parents. However,  it is important to note that though women can become abusers, MOST OFTEN  (because
of the way we are socialized and the power setups in society), if there  has been no *successful* therapeutic intervention, MEN from abusive families become “ABUSERS”, and WOMEN who grew up in abusive families become “Abuse  VICTIMS.”

Like the alcoholic, an abuser must admit his behavior to himself and  others, and seek help. Unfortunately, not all therapy works, and not all people who go into therapy are ready or willing to do the personal work necessary to  get better and eliminate their destructive patterns. As such, abusers are not safe people – even after they enter therapy. It can take years of therapy to unravel and undo the damage and self-hate that has driven someone to abuse. During that time, the abuser may actually get worse before his behavior improves, if it changes at all. It is quite common for deeply disturbed people who enter therapy to initially use the therapy to project their problems on everyone else and point out the character flaws of those around them, rather  than
face their own internal demons. Until they can be honest with themselves  and the therapist, the therapy will accomplish nothing. For a person who has  spent a lifetime of lying and hating themselves, honesty does not come  easily.

More disturbingly, some abusers can and DO go into therapy as a ploy – to make it LOOK like they are actually working on their own behavior, and accepting responsibility for their actions, when, in fact, the real motive is to arm themselves with distortions of the therapist’s words and tools, in an effort to heighten and increase the psychological warfare. The bottom line, is that you can’t trust an abuser, the same way you can’t trust the married man who is having an affair and keeps promising to leave his wife.

The more subtle forms of emotional abuse can be the hardest to escape from, because the gaps between the loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty can span several weeks or months. However, someone who is nice and caring, and helpful for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no better than
someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his partner once every  few months. The pain, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the heartache are the  same. The bruises and the welts are on the inside instead of the outside, and  they take far longer to heal. While someone may be emotionally blind sided by  major episodes of emotional cruelty, and may even recognize it as
abuse, abused  partners often “overlook” the subtle everyday criticisms, “chain yanking”, and  emotional blackmail that are woven into the fabric of their relationship,  accepting (or denying) it as just part of a “relationship.” Unfortunately, it’s  part of a very UNHEALTHY relationship.

It can leave the woman wondering if the pain is worth the good times, and even wondering if this is as good as it gets? What if there isn’t anything better? When he distorts the past and blames you for the relationship problems, you may even feel like you are going crazy, and he will certainly do everything he can to imply that you ARE. The truth is, there IS something better. You don’t  have to put up with a relationship where you are treated poorly, with disrespect, or emotional cruelty, no matter how infrequent those acts are. And
of course, when you do get upset, the abuser will infer that you are
overreacting, or “too sensitive”, so it adds to the confusion and hurt that you  may feel.

What are the signs and symptoms of Emotional Abuse?

A common misconception is that emotional abuse has to take the form of a partner yelling over every little thing, belittling or constantly criticizing a partner. Other forms of emotional abuse, can however, be just as damaging, and far less overt. They can include being disrespectful, discourteous, rude, condescending, patronizing, critical, judgmental, “joking” insults, lying, repeatedly “forgetting” promises and agreements, betrayal of trust, “setting you up”, and “revising” history.

To outsiders, abusers often appear as decent, successful, sensitive, calm and nondescript. To their families, they are often controlling, self-absorbed, hypercritical, compulsive, childish and mean-spirited. Most of abusers are actually BOTH. It is the disparity between the one they love and the one that harms them that keeps the woman confused. He may intersperse episodes of abuse with words of love, telling her that she is “the best thing that has ever happened” to him, and that he wants to start treating her that way, confusing her further. She keeps hoping that if she does enough, if she gives enough, he will stop hurting her and the loving, caring side of him will prevail.
Unfortunately, this is a fallacy that often keeps the woman in the relationship for far too long. Ask yourself: Do you have a drawer full of “apology” jewelry, or a closet full of “apology” clothes?

One of the most difficult things about identifying and leaving someone who is a psychological and emotional abuser, is that the REALLY successful abusers are highly intelligent and hide their abuse incredibly well. They may have shelves of filled with psychology books; many are well-read and very well spoken. They know how to twist and manipulate language and people. They present an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in reality, they have no internal control of their own pain and chaotic self-hate, so they try to control others, and drive others to LOSE control. If an abuser can cause YOU to lose
control, it proves how healthy HE is, so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly (it’s amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as words), “There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I’m not the one who  needs therapy, *you* are.” Unfortunately, if an outsider sees the abuse at all,  all they see is an outburst from you, NOT the abuse that triggered it. It may  make you feel as if you have had all your lifelines withdrawn, as if you are  going crazy, because nobody believes you that this charming, “nice”,
helpful,  successful man could be so incredibly psychologically cruel and deliberately  hurtful.

Abusers play the push-me-pull-you game threatening to withdraw their  affections, dropping statements out of the blue intended to destabilize. This has the effect of making their partners insecure and uncertain, but that plays right into the abuser’s hand as he then can accuse the partner of being “too needy.” Ploys such as casually talking about how he’s thinking of taking a job in another city are one such example of destabilizing talk. In this kind of case, it doesn’t start with any discussion of your relationship, or what might happen to it – he talks only of the cool job opportunity, with no recognition of  the impact it might have on you, your relationship, or your family.

An emotional abuser may make fun of his partner, or make subtle or
not-so-subtle disparaging remarks about her while with other friends, and  encourage the friends to make disparaging remarks. He will then be sure to tell  her about the jokes they made and act surprised when she doesn’t find them  “funny.” He may even tell her that she is overreacting and that it was “all in  fun” and that no harm was meant by the “joking.”

Not all emotional abusers criticize their partners directly – sometimes it can be as simple as constantly criticizing how someone keeps a kitchen, or complaining about the mess in the house, or continuous grumbling about the laundry, or complaining about the noise and mess the kids make. He will make her think it is her job to keep him happy, and imply that household things are contributing to his unhappiness and bad temper.

An emotional abuser will seem to encourage his partner to grow, to develop new skills and expand her horizons, but then will do things to impede or prevent  that progress. He will mope and sigh about how little time she has for him now  that she is working more or taking that course, or back in school. Or, he will  “encourage” her to advance herself, but refuse to provide any additional  assistance around the house/family to ease her workload, effectively making it  impossible for her to take that course or job. If he DOES provide assistance, he  will let her know how HARD it is for him, and how MUCH he is doing for her,  every step of the way … he will play the “sad puppy” to the hilt,
trying to  get her to feel guilty for the burdens she has put on him.

An Emotional abuser will try to make his partner responsible for his
happiness. Either through direct comments, or indirect implications, the abuser will let his partner know that he is not happy, that it is somehow her fault,  and that she must fix it. The problem is, no matter what she does, it will never be enough, and it won’t ultimately make him happy.

The abuser may take this behavior to an extreme, insisting that he is the  best partner or relationship she will ever have, the only one who can truly love her (despite all her faults)! and that if she doesn’t live up to his expectations, he will leave the relationship. Since abuse is really about  control, the abuser knows he can have the upper hand in the relationship if he can keep her uncertain and insecure.

Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of narcissism. They genuinely believe that YOU SHOULD know how they feel, and know what to do to make them happy. AND that you should be willing to do those things  without having to be asked or told. They believe that they DESERVE to be treated  better, to be put first, to be given preferential treatment. He will expect you  to read his mind. He lives by the “if you really loved me, you’d KNOW how I  feel” game, and of course will punish you for not being telepathic. If  confronted with the unreasonable nature of this behavior, the abuser will blame  his partner for his lack of communication – it will always be her fault that he  couldn’t tell her what he needed or wanted. He will project HIS behavior on her,  and insist that he couldn’t talk to her about what was bothering him because she  was too intense, or critical, or angry, or judgmental, or
needy. Don’t buy  it.  Those are HIS issues. Not yours.

And speaking of narcissism, the emotional abuser will be envious and
resentful if YOU get more attention than HE does in a social setting. He will  likely punish you for it by one of any number of techniques: ignoring you,  sulking, disappearing for hours, flirting heavily with someone else, or leaving the party or function without notifying you.

Emotional abusers expect the rest of the household to live by their waking, sleeping and eating schedules. If his schedule is interrupted or disturbed, or if the partner chooses not to follow the same patterns, the abuser feels justified in “punishing” the offender. This can include the full battery of emotional abuse and passive-aggressive tactics – because in the abuser’s mind, the partner or household member “deserves” it for not caring enough about him to live by his schedules and activity calendar.

Emotional abusers may use punishment tactics like leaving (without a word  to you), a party or function that you both went to. They will have socially plausible, pathos-laden excuses for their unannounced departure, like they  couldn’t find you, or they were tired and wanted to go home. However, the REAL reason they left without a word, was to punish you; to wind you up, to get you worried about them, and ultimately, to have you feel guilty for not paying enough attention to them. When you confront an abuser on the concept of COURTESY
around these sorts of things, the abuser will either apologize weakly, (but the  damage has been done), or insist that your distress over his behavior is overreacting.

Emotional abusers will remind you of your flaws under the guise of trying  to be “helpful” or sensitive. He may make comments like, “You seem unhappy with your body” – even though you have made no comments about your body image or otherwise, or “You are running late again – you never can get anywhere on time”,  or “There doesn’t seem to be much point in planning things with you.” All are comments intended to unbalance and remind you of what he perceives to be your weaknesses.

Emotional abusers will try to isolate you from family and friends.There  are several tactics that may be employed. If he can’t manipulate your friends, he will either find reasons to denigrate them or will be “uninterested” in doing  things with you AND your friends. He may find them “boring.” You may find yourself caught in a double-bind where he “encourages” you to go out with *your*  friends, refusing any invitation to participate, but then mopes  that you never  spend enough time with HIM. Over time, you may find  yourself isolated
from your friends by virtue of the demands on your time that  he makes. You may also find him VERY upset if he finds out that you have been talking to a close friend or family member about him and/or your relationship  with him – especially if that person is likely to tell you he’s behaving like an  a**.

One emotional abuser went so far as to “set up” his wife so that she would isolate herself. He did it by “reminding” her of her “shyness”, and how socially  backward she was. He did this under the guise of “being sensitive” to her and  the areas she “needed to work on.” Then he would offer to “help” her by suggesting she come along to a party or social function with him. Prior to the function he would again “help” her by briefing her on people attending the party, so that she could “have something to talk about” with them. As part of his tactic, he told his wife distortions or half-truths so that she would make
social faux-pas at the function. If she ever questioned him, he would insist that SHE must have heard him wrong, and it must have been HER nervousness that  made her forget or screw up. The man was a “pillar of the community”, so to his  friends, she looked like a bumbling (and even insensitive) fool, and they  “couldn’t figure out why a man like him was with a woman like HER.” Combined  with his subtle denigration of her friends and family, she gradually isolated  herself by not attending social functions, and cutting off relationships with her support network.

Instead of “lying” to a partner, an emotional abuser may “forget”
significant promises he made to his partner – especially if forgetting that  promise will hurt her. He may also “forget” things so that he can let her know that things that are important to her are NOT important to him. This tactic can  take the form of making a special dinner for her, containing shrimp when he has known for years that she is allergic to shellfish, so she can’t eat it, or buying a feather comforter for their bed, when he knows she is allergic to feathers. He will claim that his lapse was due to “forgetting”, when in fact, it was a passive-aggressive ploy to trick the partner into believing he was doing  “something nice”, get her hopes up, and then bring her down with the fact that she could not enjoy this “gift” of his after all… It is a
passive-aggressive  slap-in-the-face.