Driving in Baltimore (Maryland)

My cousing Tanya keeps sending me cute emails. This one is not only very ‘cute’ its so true!

For those who are from Baltimore, still live there, have traveled there,
and/or plan to travel through there in the future….

BALTIMORE ROAD RULES

First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Bawl-mer, or
Ball-tee-more, depending on whether you live North or South of Route 40.

Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and
buy a new one. If you live near Howard County and your map is one day
old, it is already obsolete.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Baltimore has its own
version of traffic rules…”Hold on and pray.” There is no such thing
as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore. We all drive like that.

All directions start with ‘the beltway’…which has no beginning and no
end.

The morning rush hour is from 5 a.m. to 11 a.m. The evening rush hour
is from 1 p.m. to 7 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed
out and possibly shot.

When you are the first one on the starting line at a light, count to
five when the light turns green before moving ahead to avoid crashing
with all five of the drivers running the red light in cross traffic.
(However, if you don’t go as soon as it turns green, you will get the
horn.)

Construction on 1-97 is a way of life and a permanent form of
entertainment. Interesting that it’s call ‘an Interstate’, but runs
only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn
up and under construction ever since. (Does Former Governor Glendening
have any relatives who build highways?)

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh we’re in
GLIMBURNIE! (Glen Burnie.)”

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory
defect.

Car horns are actually “Road Rage” indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in Buicks have the right of way. Period.

All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections.

If asking directions in Ellicott City or Columbia, you must understand
that streets are called things like mews, landings, terraces, or just aren’t
called anything at all. If you stop to ask directions in Brooklyn…well,
don’t.

A trip across town (north to south) will take a minimum of four hours,
although the tunnel does have, on occasion, more than one lane open, but
never on holiday weekends.

The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is
considered downright sissy. The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR.

If you drive to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the Ravens
Lot. Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500 for damages, towing fees,
parking tickets, etc.

If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard during
Preakness, run over him. It’s probably not his yard anyway.

WELCOME TO BAWLMER, HON!