Do Narcissists REALLY Love Themselves?

I suppose a rather different blog for me, but its a subject I am studying….

Voicelessness: Narcissism
by Richard Grossman, Ph.D.

Many people spend a lifetime aggressively trying to protect an injured or
vulnerable “self.” Traditionally, psychologists have termed such people
“narcissists,” but this is a misnomer. To the outside world it appears that these
people love themselves. Yet, at their root they don’t love themselves–in fact
their self barely exists–and what part does exist is deemed worthless. All energy
is devoted to inflating the self, like a persistent child trying to blow up a
balloon with a hole.

Because they need continuous proof of the significance of their voice,
narcissists must find people, particularly important people, to hear and value them.
If they are not heard, their childhood wound opens, and they quickly begin to
melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West. This terrifies them. Narcissists
use everyone around them to keep themselves inflated. Often they find flaws
in others and criticize them fiercely, for this further distinguishes them from
those who are defective. Children are ready targets: narcissists consider
children flawed and lacking, and therefore most in need of severe “teaching” and
correction. This negative picture of children is a sad projection of how the
narcissist truly feels about his or her inner self before the self-inflation
began. But the narcissist never recognizes this: they consider their harsh,
controlling parenting magnanimous and in the child’s best interest.

Spouses receive similar treatment–they exist to admire the narcissist and to
remain in the background as an adornment. Frequently, spouses are subject to
the same barrage of criticism. This can never be effectively countered,
because any assertive defense is a threat to the narcissist’s wounded “self.”

Not surprisingly, narcissists cannot hear others: spouse, lover, or friends,
and especially not children. Many engage in “sham” listening, appearing to be
very attentive because they want to look good. Usually they are unaware of
their deafness–in fact they believe they hear better than anyone else (this
belief, of course, is another attempt at self-inflation). Because of their
underlying need for voice and the resultant bluster, narcissists often work their way
to the center of their “circle,” or the top of their organization. Indeed,
they may be the mentor or guru for others. The second they are snubbed, however,
they rage at their “enemy”.

What makes it difficult to help this type of narcissist is their
self-deception. The processes used to protect themselves are ingrained from childhood. As
a result, they are absolutely unaware of their constant efforts to maintain a
viable “self.” If they are meeting with success, they are satisfied with life
regardless of whether the people around them are happy. Two circumstances
bring this type of person to a therapist’s office. Sometimes a partner who feels
chronically unheard and unseen drags them in. Or, they have met with some
failure (often in their career) so that the strategies they previously used to
maintain self-esteem suddenly no longer work. In the latter situation, their
depression is profound–like cotton candy, their robust false self dissolves, and
one is able to see an accurate picture of their inner sense of worthlessness.

Can such people be helped? Sometimes. The critical factor is whether they
ultimately acknowledge their core problem: that as a child they felt neither seen
nor heard (and/or their self was fragile as a result of trauma, genetic
predisposition, etc.), and they unconsciously employed self-building strategies to
survive. Acknowledging this truth takes much courage, for they must face their
underlying lack of self-esteem, their exceptional vulnerability, and signi
ficantly, the damage they have caused others. Then comes the long and painstaking
work of building (or resurrecting) a genuine, non-defensive self in the
context of an empathic and caring therapy relationship.